A Lesson in Thankfulness

About 6 months ago, I had a moment of panic.  Not just a passing moment, but a few months where everyday I felt pangs of guilt, anger and sadness.  I was so jealous of all my brothers' and sisters' having children that I couldn't see straight.

When Aaron and I got married we decided well before hand that we would wait 7 to 10 years before having children.  We were only 19 and 20 respectively and no where near ready to bring a child into the world.  That's not to say that we thought it would be the end of the world if it happened sooner, we just planned to wait.

6 months ago, I found out my younger sister was pregnant and I'm ashamed to say that the first thing I thought was 'I should be first.'  I tried to rationalize my anger and jealousy.  I tried to factor in that I had been married nearly 3 years at the time, and still hadn't gotten pregnant because we weren't financially ready and that my husband and I were 'doing it the right way.'  I was mad at her for taking something from me.  What, I wasn't exactly sure.  I just knew that it was my right and she had stolen it.

My husband and I lay in the bed that night and I sobbed while he held me.  I cried deep, wracking tears.  I let every insecurity and dream fall into his arms that night and I told him I wanted a child.  He looked me in the eyes and said. "Then go off birth control and we will start trying before we turn the spare room into a guest room."  He was being so logical that I took a step back and decided that this baby fever would pass and we would just wait it out.

For months everytime I saw a baby I felt a clench in my stomach and hormones nearly took over.  However I stuck by our original decision, and endured through my jealousy and anger.  For almost 3 months I was sad and angry because I have always wanted children but I knew it wasn't the right time.  I have prayed and prayed and God has continued to tell me to ''Wait'

I thought I might never get over my anger and feelings of loss, but I have.  It's taken a while and everyday I have to pray and remind myself that God has a plan, and that thought I don't understand it, I need to trust in him.  I also look at the lives we lead, and realize how fortunate we are to be able to do all of the things we do.  With a child there is no way we could pick up and drive the 7 hours to Portland to see a concert.  We need to remember the blessing we are given in this time alone together and use it to strengthen our relationship before there is a child in the equation.

Today I am thankful,  I know it is hard to be thankful in everything, but I am trying.

Dear God

Dear God,

We talk pretty regularly, But I figured I would do this anyway, My Mom is having Gallbladder surgery on Tuesday, and I am asking that you would guide the doctors and nurses who will be working on her. I ask that you would help her heal quickly and easily, especially since she is supposed to be flying out in less than 2 weeks. I pray that her and my grammie will have a safe trip out here, and enjoy there time out here, as we plan to go to yellowstone national park.

Chelsie

PS The original post can be found here at Mom on a spin http://www.amomonspin.com/