About 6 months ago, I had a moment of panic. Not just a passing moment, but a few months where everyday I felt pangs of guilt, anger and sadness. I was so jealous of all my brothers' and sisters' having children that I couldn't see straight.
When Aaron and I got married we decided well before hand that we would wait 7 to 10 years before having children. We were only 19 and 20 respectively and no where near ready to bring a child into the world. That's not to say that we thought it would be the end of the world if it happened sooner, we just planned to wait.
6 months ago, I found out my younger sister was pregnant and I'm ashamed to say that the first thing I thought was 'I should be first.' I tried to rationalize my anger and jealousy. I tried to factor in that I had been married nearly 3 years at the time, and still hadn't gotten pregnant because we weren't financially ready and that my husband and I were 'doing it the right way.' I was mad at her for taking something from me. What, I wasn't exactly sure. I just knew that it was my right and she had stolen it.
My husband and I lay in the bed that night and I sobbed while he held me. I cried deep, wracking tears. I let every insecurity and dream fall into his arms that night and I told him I wanted a child. He looked me in the eyes and said. "Then go off birth control and we will start trying before we turn the spare room into a guest room." He was being so logical that I took a step back and decided that this baby fever would pass and we would just wait it out.
For months everytime I saw a baby I felt a clench in my stomach and hormones nearly took over. However I stuck by our original decision, and endured through my jealousy and anger. For almost 3 months I was sad and angry because I have always wanted children but I knew it wasn't the right time. I have prayed and prayed and God has continued to tell me to ''Wait'
I thought I might never get over my anger and feelings of loss, but I have. It's taken a while and everyday I have to pray and remind myself that God has a plan, and that thought I don't understand it, I need to trust in him. I also look at the lives we lead, and realize how fortunate we are to be able to do all of the things we do. With a child there is no way we could pick up and drive the 7 hours to Portland to see a concert. We need to remember the blessing we are given in this time alone together and use it to strengthen our relationship before there is a child in the equation.
Today I am thankful, I know it is hard to be thankful in everything, but I am trying.