Friday, February 12, 2010

A Lesson in Thankfulness

About 6 months ago, I had a moment of panic.  Not just a passing moment, but a few months where everyday I felt pangs of guilt, anger and sadness.  I was so jealous of all my brothers' and sisters' having children that I couldn't see straight.

When Aaron and I got married we decided well before hand that we would wait 7 to 10 years before having children.  We were only 19 and 20 respectively and no where near ready to bring a child into the world.  That's not to say that we thought it would be the end of the world if it happened sooner, we just planned to wait.

6 months ago, I found out my younger sister was pregnant and I'm ashamed to say that the first thing I thought was 'I should be first.'  I tried to rationalize my anger and jealousy.  I tried to factor in that I had been married nearly 3 years at the time, and still hadn't gotten pregnant because we weren't financially ready and that my husband and I were 'doing it the right way.'  I was mad at her for taking something from me.  What, I wasn't exactly sure.  I just knew that it was my right and she had stolen it.

My husband and I lay in the bed that night and I sobbed while he held me.  I cried deep, wracking tears.  I let every insecurity and dream fall into his arms that night and I told him I wanted a child.  He looked me in the eyes and said. "Then go off birth control and we will start trying before we turn the spare room into a guest room."  He was being so logical that I took a step back and decided that this baby fever would pass and we would just wait it out.

For months everytime I saw a baby I felt a clench in my stomach and hormones nearly took over.  However I stuck by our original decision, and endured through my jealousy and anger.  For almost 3 months I was sad and angry because I have always wanted children but I knew it wasn't the right time.  I have prayed and prayed and God has continued to tell me to ''Wait'

I thought I might never get over my anger and feelings of loss, but I have.  It's taken a while and everyday I have to pray and remind myself that God has a plan, and that thought I don't understand it, I need to trust in him.  I also look at the lives we lead, and realize how fortunate we are to be able to do all of the things we do.  With a child there is no way we could pick up and drive the 7 hours to Portland to see a concert.  We need to remember the blessing we are given in this time alone together and use it to strengthen our relationship before there is a child in the equation.

Today I am thankful,  I know it is hard to be thankful in everything, but I am trying.

1 comment:

  1. You need to enjoy the years you have as a couple before you have children, because once you start having them, remember, it'll be 18 years at least, before you ever have a moment of privacy again! =) It's better to wait, save money, be ready.


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