A Lesson in Thankfulness

About 6 months ago, I had a moment of panic.  Not just a passing moment, but a few months where everyday I felt pangs of guilt, anger and sadness.  I was so jealous of all my brothers' and sisters' having children that I couldn't see straight.

When Aaron and I got married we decided well before hand that we would wait 7 to 10 years before having children.  We were only 19 and 20 respectively and no where near ready to bring a child into the world.  That's not to say that we thought it would be the end of the world if it happened sooner, we just planned to wait.

6 months ago, I found out my younger sister was pregnant and I'm ashamed to say that the first thing I thought was 'I should be first.'  I tried to rationalize my anger and jealousy.  I tried to factor in that I had been married nearly 3 years at the time, and still hadn't gotten pregnant because we weren't financially ready and that my husband and I were 'doing it the right way.'  I was mad at her for taking something from me.  What, I wasn't exactly sure.  I just knew that it was my right and she had stolen it.

My husband and I lay in the bed that night and I sobbed while he held me.  I cried deep, wracking tears.  I let every insecurity and dream fall into his arms that night and I told him I wanted a child.  He looked me in the eyes and said. "Then go off birth control and we will start trying before we turn the spare room into a guest room."  He was being so logical that I took a step back and decided that this baby fever would pass and we would just wait it out.

For months everytime I saw a baby I felt a clench in my stomach and hormones nearly took over.  However I stuck by our original decision, and endured through my jealousy and anger.  For almost 3 months I was sad and angry because I have always wanted children but I knew it wasn't the right time.  I have prayed and prayed and God has continued to tell me to ''Wait'

I thought I might never get over my anger and feelings of loss, but I have.  It's taken a while and everyday I have to pray and remind myself that God has a plan, and that thought I don't understand it, I need to trust in him.  I also look at the lives we lead, and realize how fortunate we are to be able to do all of the things we do.  With a child there is no way we could pick up and drive the 7 hours to Portland to see a concert.  We need to remember the blessing we are given in this time alone together and use it to strengthen our relationship before there is a child in the equation.

Today I am thankful,  I know it is hard to be thankful in everything, but I am trying.

My two guys

I never thought I would share my home with not one man but two, and I especially didn't think the second guy would be of the feline variety. I never thought I was cat person. In fact I swore up and down that we would own a dog, and then we went to the local animal shelter. This guy had been there for almost a month and as soon as I picked him up he started licking my neck and kneading me. I was smitten, Aaron fell in love and we put him back to discuss what we were going to do. The first major obstacle we had to over come was the fact that both of us were now covered in a sheen of white fur. I had some misgivings, in fact I had a lot of misgivings, however we decided to give this guy a chance, since he was such a sweetheart. We brought him home and proceeded to give him a bath and a major brush down. The next day I was in tears beause my brand new couch was covered in little white hairs. Aaron and I had a serious talk in which we decided that we would wait out the shedding and see how it went. Three weeks later and I don't even notice it anymore...unless I'm wearing a black shirt. Thank goodness for our handy dandy lint roller, and our fantastic vacuum cleaner. Here are my two guys doing what they love best, lounging on the couch.

This is Apollo (named after a character on Battlestar galatica)

I think it's starting to sink in...what are we getting ourselves into?

So the last time I up and moved across the country to be with Aaron we had been married for less than a week and I was so excited I didn't know what to do with myself. Living in the base hotel for close to three weeks was an adventure! Even when in those first three weeks Aaron slept on the couch several times, nothing could deter our "Love". Boy were those the days...alas the days when buying less than $3.00 worth of Beef tips and putting them over ramen noodles and calling it a feast may have passed, however the love I feel for my husband has just grown and grown. I will say this though, I am not a naive 19 year old anymore. Well at least I'm not as naive as I was back then. In a little over two and a half years of marriage (one of which we spent apart/ him in Korea/ me back here at home) I've learned a few Key points. The military lies... let me just repeat that for those of you who didn't catch it the first time around...The military lies. Now I'm sure this seems cynical and mean, and the truth is I am a bit cynical when it comes to the military. Sometimes, and by that I mean most of the time the military is only going to give you a half truth...UNLESS you are willing to ask a million questions and risk making yourself a nuisence. It's okay to ask questions. I have learned that lesson more times than I care to say, however one prime example is that for the first 10 months Aaron and I were married he was not being paid BAS which most of you will know means he wasn't getting food money. Aaron was sure that the military would never ever make the mistake of messing up his pay, well it wasn't until I nagged and nagged that he started checking his LES to see if he was being paid correctly. Finally we got it fixed and recieved a back pay of $3000, however it would have been better to have it all those months that we didn't. My point is this; people assured him he was being paid correctly, however Aaron didn't know how to make sure it was correct. Only after asking questions did we find out how to check it ourselves. The second thing I've learned is that the military is like a family. The biggest and most diverse family you could ever ask for or hope for. People will go out of their way to see if they can help you. While Aaron was stationed in AZ I had to have my appendix removed, Aaron was not allowed to stay in the hospital with me overnight and so a good friend of ours stayed with me and spent all night helping me get up and down to the bathroom. I had been in AZ less than 6 months. Where else will you find people willing to help you move that 300 pound sofa bed up a flight of stairs into a second story apartment? And then help you move it back down less than three months later when you find out your going to Korea? If I can say one thing about the military it's this...you never know what tomorrow is going to bring, however you always know that someone will be there to help you get through it.

All of that being said...Idaho??? Really? I mean don't get me wrong at this point I would take the moon if it means getting to see my husband again, but what are we getting ourselves into here? Boise is almost an hour drive according to the base website, and despite being named Mountain Home AFB I have been told that there aren't actually any mountains in sight! How's that for misleading information? I'll tell you what, I'm going to stay positive and give this place a shot, just like I did for Arizona, which I grew to love.